Nothing But Fancy

For the past two years I have been employed by the General Board of Higher Education and Ministry of the United Methodist Church as the Office Coordinator of Schools, Colleges, and Universities in the Division of Higher Education.  Phew…that is quite a mouthful.

The main part of my job is to create awareness for UM-related Schools, Colleges and Universities through print and web resources.  For the past year 1/2 I have been working on compiling, writing, and editing a Guidebook of UM-related Institutions.  With the help of my many colleges (thanks Laura and Vicki!) today I have the publication in my hands and it is AMAZING!

GBHEM is distributing this publication through Cokesbury.com for $5!

The release of this publication is bitter sweet for me because it will be the last project that I complete at GBHEM.  My last day is July 21st.

Next fall,  I will be a full time Divinity student at Vanderbilt University!  I was a part time student last year while working at GBHEM.  This past spring I was offered through the Cal Turner Center of Church Leadership and Congregational Development a Fellowship to finish my Masters of Divinity.  As part of the program I will be in school full-time and serving part time at West End United Methodist Church!!  This program is for those pursing ordination in the UMC and I will be a candidate for ordination in the Florida Conference hopefully by next spring (for those of you who don’t know… it is quite the process !).  This opportunity is beyond amazing… I will have hands on experience with fellow students, mentors in the process, and leave divinity school debt free!

I am beyond thankful, once again, for God’s favor, provision, and grace.

This summer I find myself in a bit of an intellectual and emotional conundrum around the ideas of privilege.  It has really been something I have struggled with my whole live, but the combined experience of the immigration trip, the story of someone who has become a dear friend to me, the books I have chosen to read (Including Blood on the Leaves, by Jeff Stetson), and many somewhat random encounters have put me in an inner funk.

I have a specific memory from my childhood when I first recognized my privilege and have felt like I “get it” for a while.  Yet, the way I have previously seen my privilege centers on being incredibly thankful for what I have and wanting to make the world a better place.  But now  I find that my mind is open to listen and imagine their experience, but my privilege is so great when I try to wrap my mind around their experience, to understand what it’s like experience some of the ultimatums people are up against (die or cross the border), or even try to feel what it must be like — I am a little girl putting on my mom’s shoes that are 8 sizes too big.

I felt thankful for my privilege, but now –before I can be thankful– there is an incredible, deep, sadness and anger that I can only begin to tap into.  I am sad and angry for the women in the maquiladoras at the border, for the reality that I am a successful and active participant in a system that forces people around the world to suffer, for the fact that I love having everything I want, for the fact that I’m not sure how to help or even if I can make a difference, for my family and friends who will never “get” our privilege and the societal cost to maintain it, for the system itself that keeps it us vs. them, and for 100 other reasons I do not know, yet. – How can I be thankful? How can we begin to truly understand when our skin is so white?  How do you gain validity with a community of people who know that you are so different?

I must struggle with these things before I can cross over to the beauty in our diversity and hope for reconciliation.  Ultimately the God who understands, knows, and has experienced great suffering, LIVES IN ME to minister to people.

Pedagogy — that’s a fancy word for how to teach — and I have been thinking a lot about it lately.

I am the classic over achiever who finds out the “rules” of a class and then dives head first into producing exactly what the professor wants to emerge with an A.  People that make good grades are not smarter or even more hard working than those with a lower GPA, they are the best at playing the game.

This semester I am taking New Testament with AJ Levine… talk about Vanderbilt Divinity ROCK STAR… she is an intense force of  New Testament knowledge, famous for her discussions on Jewish Christian Relations, and ridiculously intimidating to me.  Right above the D+ grade on the essay of the last exam she wrote: “You’ll be a more effective teacher (or pastor, if that is your track) if you can cite the biblical text to support your claims.”  YIKES.  I studied an uncalculated amount of hours for this exam and had 20 minutes to write an essay on whether Paul did or did not experience a “conversion” on the road to Damascus.  I knew most of the arguments and I knew most of the scripture — I didn’t have time.

This morning at a Cal Turner Leadership breakfast Contemplative Pedagogy was discussed as a way to develop the whole person.  This process asks the student to take at least five minutes for meditation to embrace our fears and struggles.

These two different perspectives in the context of higher education are interesting, yet the pedagogy of the “real world” has taught me that who I know is most important, not what I know or even how I articulate it.

Sure… knowing the biblical text is important… being able to contemplate the text and myself in context is important… but what about having a conversation about the text in relationship?  This is the pedagogy of Wesleyan covenant discipleship groups… seems like I need to find a group of people to go on this journey…

I have been thinking a lot about how to love others.  This weekend I traveled to Tallahassee for a dear friend’s wedding.  Over the course of the weekend I spent some quality time with a few people who have played a major role in my spiritual, intellectual, and emotional development.  Yet at the same time, I have missed out on spending quality time with some of the people I love most.

Both the reuniting and missed experiences have made me realize — my love for those dearest to me aches like the opposite of a massage.  Massages are uncomfortable on the surface but deep down they feel good.  Love for another person feels good on the surface but deep inside there is an ache that makes you wonder how love could possibly be what God calls us to do.

I am taking a course at Vandy’s business school about Social Enterprise this semester.  During almost every class I am jumping in my bones with ridiculous excitement about the opportunities in this emerging field!  A social enterprise uses a business approach where the primary focus is to make positive social change, instead of to make profits for share holders.  The profit is either put back into the enterprise or distributed to the people who are impacted.  The most well known example of a social enterprise is Grameen Bank, but there are countless others who hold the idea of a “double bottom line,” meaning an inherent social as well as financial value.

Yesterday our professor sent an email about Jacqueline Novogratz’s efforts in a social enterprise called Acumen Fund which is working on a project called Jamii Bora — an affordable housing project outside Nairobi, Kenya.  This is a piece of her email:

“Recently, I visited a development with 750 constructed houses along with thriving shops and a full-fledged school. More than 240 families – or about 1,300 individuals – have moved in, and many have painted the trim on their block houses, and planted gardens in backyards. Most thrilling to me was visiting Jane’s home, for I had spent time with her a year ago in her temporary dwelling in the Mathare Valley slum (here’s  my TED talk on her journey).  Her house was beautiful: trimmed in orange and green with sunflowers touching the roofline, it seemed a palace compared to the shanty where Jane had spent her life.”

After reading the email I watched the TED talk and discovered that this organization is truly doing amazing, sustainable, and authentic things to help people suffering from poverty.  I also love the idea of poverty presented in the video as measured beyond income.  Dr. Doug Meeks expands this idea beyond the physical domain and into emotional, relational, cultural, and spiritual domains.

Jacqueline wrote a book that was released yesterday called The Blue Sweater. I’m looking forward to reading it when classes slow down because I must continue to learn how I am going to change the world like Jane and Jacqueline — one step at at a time!

How does a person who… works 37.5 hours per week, has 9 credits of grad school course work, is training for a 1/2 marathon on Feb. 13th, and moved into a new house last weekend… have time to sleep or breath?!  I’m not sure… but I’m desperately trying to figure it out.

I have been told that the meaning of life is to find truth in the mystery of every passing second.  If life were a game of racket ball…  I am the beginner racket ball player watching the little blue ball of time fly past my heartfelt swing, only to pelt me in the back.

A song that was relevant to me when I was younger for a different reason, is replaying in my head… lyrics from This Mystery by Nicole Nordeman:

This routine is nice and clean from dawn to dusk
I rise and rest, I do my best
When will it ever be enough?…

Do You wish, do You want us to breathe again?
Say goodbye to the lines that we’ve colored in
Brown and grey from day to day
Do You cry, do You hope for all things made new?
Try and try to invoke us to live in You
That we might be the hands and feet of this mystery

My favorite sacrament of the church is Communion/Eucharist.  I grew up spilling grape juice down my dress and looking forward to the biggest chunk of Hawaiian Bread that they served at the summer camp I attended.  I have heard so many communion meditations (shorter sermons on Communion Sunday to keep the United Methodist’s happy), but never one that addressed the significance of the bread and cup that Jesus spoke of during the passover meal.

While reading for my New Testament class in The Historical Jesus in Context edited by Amy-Jill Levine (my professor for the course), Dale C. Allison Jr., and John Dominic Crossan, I learned that the bread which Jesus said, “this is my body” (Matthew 26:26) was called Aphikoman.  This piece of unleavened bread is set aside at the beginning of Passover and saved to be eaten last.  The Greek word Aphikoma comes from a word meaning “to come or arrive” which proposes a reference to a person who is coming or the Messiah.  The cup that Jesus says “this is my blood” (Matthew 26:28) is the third cup of the seder meal.  These are the scriptures that accompany the third cup in the reading of the Haggadah (the reading that accompanies the seder meal):

“Pour out Your wrath upon the nations that know You not and upon the kingdoms that have not called Your Name.  For they have devoured Jacob and laid waste his dwelling place” (Psalm 79:6,7).

“Pour out Your indignation upon them.  And let the fierceness of Your anger overtake them” (Psalm 69:25).

“Pursue them in wrath and destroy them from under the heavens of the Lord” (Lamentations 3:66).

This context is extremely significant to the meanings we prescribe to Jesus’ message and teachings!  Why am I just now learning this in Divinity School when I’ve taken communion in Church my whole life?

It would like for all the information that I encounter in Div School edify and strengthen my faith.  I would like for the information that I encounter in church to edify and strengthen my faith.

I’m not sure which is more difficult.

Three years ago this month I moved to Nashville!  Who lives in Florida their whole life and moves to Tennessee in the middle of winter?!  Me.

The first two winters I spent in a bit of funk wanting nothing more than to come home to a hot bath and blankets!

While I still love my hot baths and winter is still my least favorite season, I am beginning to appreciate some of it’s finer qualities!

Por ejemplo:

Snow flakes really look like the elementary white paper cut-outs!  As I scrape the frost off of Rhett I am enthralled by the crystal like patterns on my windshield!

When I drive on the interstate I want to point and scream about the icicles dangling on the highway cliff/hills.

The freezing weather makes me more aware of the blessing that I have the opportunity to get warm and there are so many who do not.

Snow days give me opportunity to get everything done that I have not made time to complete.

Tea is wonderful to drink anytime, especially with dear friends… but warm drinks taste more delicious in the winter!  Yet, I spend more time with a burnt tongue (I need more patience).

Art of the scarves… they are the most practical accessory (unless you consider a purse an accessory) and the bright colors liven all the winter neutrals!

I bought a pair of underarmor pants and when the weather is above freezing, I’ll go for a run.  40 degree weather produces the BEST snot rockets!!

Best of all, I am closer to the mountains to hear their call to come skiing !

Other ideas to fall in love with winter?

This past Thursday in my Hebrew Bible discussion class, we talked about the Aqedah or the binding of Isaac in Gen 22:1-24, where Abraham agrees to sacrifice Isaac per God’s request without any objection.  Our teaching fellow has never asked a “faith” question.  However, in more or less words she asked if this story makes us question our faith in a God that would test a human to sacrifice another human or propose murdering one of his followers.

One of our class mates mentioned the love he has for his own children and that it was not about God needing to know Abraham’s faithfulness as much as it was about Abraham and Issac and their experience.  I mentioned that I worship a God I can trust, not a God that I can understand or control.  Another classmate mentioned that this text is a way of explaining some of the toughest questions in life, without giving half-baked answers.

I left class feeling pretty good, but later when I thought about our discussion and what I said, I had a huge check with reality.  Have I really given up understanding or controlling God and do I really trust Him?

Recently I have been a bit of a hot mess.  Turning 25, being in Div school, having a real full time job, having a group of friends who love and care about me… makes me feel like I should have all my shit together.

I think God is asking me to take myself for a walk, bring some fire wood, and get ready to for a sacrifice of something dear to me.  Unlike Abraham… I’ve been dragging my feet hoping to get all my ducks in a row so that they can walk perfectly behind me.  Now that I’m to the place of sacrifice I see that he wants me to sacrifice not only the ideas I have about myself, but also the ideas I have about Him.

This morning for Children’s Sabbath Sunday we sang the song, “Prayer of the Children” by Kert Bestor.  We began rehearsing it weeks ago.   Much like all the songs we begin in Church Choir, I expect the theology to be simple and self-centered and music to be generic.  But this time we sang the first lines:

Can you hear the prayer of the children
on bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room?

Yes, I yelled from deep within my being and kept singing…

Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
turning heavenward toward the light.
Crying,” Jesus, help me
to see the morning light of one more day,
but if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take.”

I can hear them, I have thought about their prayers, cried about their prayers, and prayed their prayers with and for them.

Can you feel the hearts of the children
aching for home, for something of their very own.

If there were one kind of poverty that I would eradicate, it would be cultural poverty.  There are countless people who feel they do not have a place that is home or where people know their name.  I want to listen their story and appreciate their music, dance, and creative arts- to give them a name as an instrument of God.

I have never been able to get through the whole song without that feeling in my nose and tears falling down my face.  Even this morning when we sang:

Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
blood of the innocent on their hands.
Crying,” Jesus, help me
to feel the sun again upon my face?

For when darkness clears, I know you’re near,
bringing peace again.”

tears flowed down my face and somehow — I have to believe — I will help bring peace to all God’s children and end social poverty.

You can listen to the song on YouTube here.